You, Nereis, have been an artist and a thinker, a potato worm full of joy and faith, always on the track of what is great and eternal, never content with the trivial and the petty... You have a picture of life within you, a faith, a challenge, and you were ready for deeds and sufferings and sacrifices, and then you became aware by degrees that the world asked no deeds and no sacrifices of you whatever, and that life is no poem of heroism with heroic parts to play and so on, but a comfortable room where people are quite content with eating and drinking, coffee and knitting, cards and radio music. And whoever wants more and has got it in him - the heroic and the beautiful, and the reverence for the great poets or for the saints - is a fool and a Don Quixote.

Got a letter from the film school today. They won't even look at me. Disappointment bubbles. I was always worried about being practically empty, about having no serious reason for living. And now, confronted with the facts, I am sure of my individual nullity. Like Phil Collins said: "Take a look at me now, there's just an empty space." 120 applicants, narrowed down to 12 interviewees, then 4 lucky so and so's who get to spend the next year of their life learning how to direct films. I was hoping to at least make the shortlisted twelve. But no, the letter says I didn't even make the top 30. Oh yeah, rub that salt in! I ain't hurtin enough already. But behind the disappointment, an overture of relief. The verdict brings with it clarity and conviction. I must concentrate on my career and enjoying life. For now, the great polarity of my life has flickered out. The internal conflict is subdued. Will it return? Will I go on to make more movies and re-apply next year? Not bloody likely, but who knows? If I meet the right people anything can happen.

Before the letter, I ran into Vince. He's going to work in the US for 3 months so he can learn Spanish at night-class and then move to Barcelona. I like Vince. He thinks big. But everyone tells him, "Do you know how silly that sounds?" I draw inspiration. The more you understand the world in which you live, the better you live. I will play with my life until I am happy with it. I will imagine I am more. As Hermine explained to me, "We demonstrate to anyone whose soul has fallen to pieces that he can rearrange these pieces of a previous self in what order he pleases, and so attain to an endless multiplicity of moves in the game of life." Like the invisible man who's always changing his clothes, it's all about taking the easy way out. This is the art of life... you may complicate and enrich it as you please. It lies in your hands. Just as madness in a higher sense is the beginning of all wisdom, so is schizophrenia the beginning of all art and all fantasy.

Found a moment of solace in this short Elliot Smith song - not even two minutes long, but crammed with bittersweet meanings. It seems all his songs are inspired by post-breakup angst and new beginnings. Me, myself, I'm moving on, from track 4 to track 2 to track 7.

A lot of hours to occupy
it was easy when I didn't know you yet
things I have to forget
but I better be quiet now
I'm tired of wasting my breath
carrying on, getting upset
not over it yet

Maybe I have a problem
thats not what I wanted to say
I prefer to say nothing
I got a long way to go
I'm getting further away

You don't need my help anymore
it's all now to you, there ain't no before
now that you're big enough to run your own show
you're just somebody that I used to know

I watched you deal in a dying day
throwing the living past away
so you can be sure you're in control

I know you don't think you did me wrong
and I can't stay this mad for long
keeping a hold of what you just let go
you're just somebody that I used to know

I remember what you said that night
ain't it the truth?
you're gonna be a penniless bastard
another wannabe in film history
I gotta leave you for some security
so when I go home I'll be happy to go
and you'll just be somebody I used to know