What a messed up night. I ran into G, for the first time in 4 months. And we talked, and fought, and cried, in the middle of a loud, crowded bar.

Talking to her after such a long time was like talking to a ghost. I told her, "It's very difficult for me to talk to you. It's been 4 months since I last saw you, and when I last saw you, you turned your back on me. It was like you had died, and I was left behind. Now that I see you again, I'm not sure you're the same person anymore."

You remind me of a girl, that I, once knew...

It's hard for me to give continuity to the G of today and the G that I knew. To do so would be to violate the integrity of our relationship. I want to preserve the memory of her as my loving, caring soulmate... not the stranger I see before me today, defending a boyfriend for whom I have no respect, and indeed for whom I bear great animosity. I am not a violent or macho person, but when I see him, my blood boils and I feel like killing him. "You should stand up for yourself," my friends say, "It's not good to let him get to you like that." But I restrain myself from violence, as it is not my way, and I do not wish to alienate those who are close to both of us, although part of me wonders why anyone would want to remain friends with someone as untrue as that.

I cannot believe some of the things she said tonight, although I can understand that when two people start a relationship based on deception and betrayal, they find ways to justify it to themselves, and they do not delve too deeply into the morality or consequences of their actions.

"It's not about you," she said, "he was friends with them before you."

Yes, and I was your lover before he got involved, and you were mine. How could you not understand?

Somehow, that asshole thinks he can have the best of both worlds, and refuses to give me face. Some professor of asian studies he will make! The way I see it, he turned his back on his friends. He disregarded their advice, and risked ruining friendships out of selfishness. Even now, he feels no remorse, and has the gall to say that it is not his responsibility to consider my feelings. His presence makes myself and others feel uncomfortable. It seems obvious to me, that when you hurt someone, especially a friend, they will not want to see you anymore, and rubbing it in their face, only causes them more grief and anger.

I console myself by saying that a man who lives so callously, must one day reap the pain and hurt that he has wrought unto others. What goes around, comes around...

Nevertheless, I love her still. I have repressed and denied these feelings to myself, but in my dreams, they make me happy.

It disturbs me that this bitterness has consumed me. There have been nights when I could not sleep, and days when I wished I was dead. Yet after being so cold and defensive, she cried tonight, and I hugged her, and let her go. I would do anything to bring her back. I loved her so much... it makes me so sad that it ends this way.

And to top it all off, tomorrow morning Danger leaves for the UK. Travel well my friend. I will miss your company and support.

The generals have a saying:
"Rather than make the first move
it is better to wait and see.
Rather than advance an inch
it is better to retreat a yard."

This is called
going forward without advancing,
pushing back without using weapons.

There is no greater misfortune
than underestimating your enemy.
Underestimating your enemy
means thinking that he is evil.
Thus you destroy your three treasures
and become an enemy yourself.

When two great forces oppose each other,
the victory will go
to the one that knows how to yield.

- Lao Tzu

At home on a Friday night. My buddies are camping out at Avoca Beach this weekend, having a farewell for Danger, who is sailing for the shores of Swinging London soon. I want to be there with them, but at the same time, I'm glad I'm here at home, looking after myself, not starting any trouble.

I just had one of those coccooning moments of self-reward that we discussed in a focus group for Philips home entertainment earlier this week. I came home to an empty house, snuggled up on the couch with a bowl of steamed rice and watched "My Sassy Girl"... a Korean film which my ex-girlfriend gave to me. It reminded me of Sylvia Chan's "Tempted Heart." There is no doubt that Tempted Heart is a much better film, but it's always nice to watch a film which comes bundled with sentimental meaning due to the nature of the gift. And yes, I can't deny it, I'm a sucker for sassy girls.

I haven't written for some time. I felt it was inappropriate to continue a story without any significant events or character development. But life is not all doom and gloom. In the past few weeks the little things have lifted my spirits. Night fishing at Palm Beach, walking home in the evening rain, sharing secrets with an old flame, getting drunk at work, listening to loud Jewish party music, cooking dinner with friends, building a new computer, watching Chicago with my Dad at a Thursday night late-session, waking up early to have breakfast with Mike, missing Wu Shu every week for the last 5 weeks, receiving unexpected tenderness from my psychic hairdresser, singing along to Big Yellow Taxi in the car on the way home from City Live at 4am in the morning, being described as "inseperable", cutting my Dad's hair every second weekend, eating imported Cote D'Or Belgian chocolate, playing with Mundi, doing handstands whilst watching TV, laughing at myself.

Some pretty big developments at work. We won a major new account this week. This new client will be our biggest, so the champagne and compliments were flowing early this Friday. My six-month review for possible promotion is also coming up next month. I'd hoped that the big win would strengthen the rationale for my promotion and subsequent pay-rise, but it occured to me today that the doubling of our business may paradoxically set me back, as my superiors are thinking of using the extra money to hire a friend of theirs to fill the gap between me and my manager... the same gap I've been eyeing for myself. Time will tell. The silver lining to that cloud is that it would give me the momentum to slip into a more creative marketing role. My current job involves a lot of quant analysis and horse-trading, and I find it a little bit too procedural for my liking. I want a job where the skills are more intuitive and qualititative, and hence harder to replicate.

A few weeks ago, the Managing Director asked me to film her wedding, which is this Sunday evening. I've never done a wedding before, and the weather forecast is not good. Worse of all, I've been unable to dampen the MD's expectations of the video, for which she is paying me very little. I've warned her that filming a wedding ceremony on a windy beach at 5pm on a rainy overcast day is not an ideal situation, but she wants a cheap wedding video that looks professional, so I'm just damned if I do, damned if I don't. We were joking today, that if I fuck this up, my career will be over. I just hope my equipment doesn't get wet, and that there's plenty of love at the wedding to make up for the lack of lighting. Perhaps I should bring the loud Jewish music along to cheer everyone up. I'm not too happy about having to miss Disaster and Gracie's joint birthday celebrations which are on the same night. There's no question where I'd rather be... Oh well, here's hoping all this good karma comes back to me one day.

Another one of those freakishly accurate personality tests... it's all true! Except maybe for the shortfuse part... Try it out for yourself...


You appear to others around you as a person who is simply 'laid back'. From time to time you shelve your ambitions and forgo the desire for prestige and recognition and you are often considered as mentally lazy. You have the ability and you are the first to know this, but you prefer to take things easy and indulge your longing for comfort and security.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient. You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere of influence.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offense for the slightest reason.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

You really like doing what you do and, more than that, you like yourself. Your attitude to work and to life is that 'If it's not fun - then don't do it'. You want to be liked and respected, not for who you are but for what you are - and it seems to be working.

Wrote this last Monday, but never got round to posting it... didn't want to post again until I had shaken off the depression. But fuck it, sitting on thoughts is like mental constipation. I got to get it out and move on!


In the past few days I've received a lot of emails... some offering comfort, some offering criticisim, and yet others offering news of normal life.

I guess something I've written lately has been intepreted as a call for help. Or perhaps it is simply proof that strength does lie in collective love and respect.

People outside my close group of friends have felt compelled to tell me that they've been reading my blog. I should be shocked... violated perhaps. But instead I only feel the shadow of surprise... the feeling that I should be surprised. At the back of my brain, there's a curious cat that wants to play with these strangers, to discover the impression they have built of me, from reading my blog...an outsider's view of inside my head.

I find it comforting that my words are being raked over the coals, all around the world. I am fascinated by the thoughtful responses I have been getting. One of my unseen readers has warned me not to withdraw from the world, not to lose my sense of self, like they did. There is no question that this is what is happening to me. I have withdrawn from the world. My contact with it is now sporadic and dreamily removed from tactile response. I have overrused the word surreal in this blog, because of this strange experience of dislocation. I find myself zoning out in the middle of meetings or conversations ... someone will ask me a question and I'll suddenly realise I've been thinking about her and us and them again. It's like the rest of the world has moved on around me whilst I am stuck in some temporal distortion. When I do snap out of it, I feel left behind, sometimes to the point where it feels I don't have a right to my own grief.