Feel like I should be happy going into this 2 week holiday and writing happy things, but when the sea changes it's never calm. Returning to the snows this weekend with the westside massive, really looking forward to it and to the two weeks of concentrated creativity that must follow as I prepare my AFTRS application. Trying to cram myself with fresh TV, books and music, in preparation for this challenge. Seeking that old confidence, trying to visualise the dream. But still lacking mental vitality... where has it gone?

Stop dreaming / People who say that are blaspheming / They're doing 9-5 and moaning / And they don't want you succeeding when they've blown it.

Meanwhile Mike is back from the UK for the exact 2 weeks that I'm off work. He sounds like he's having the time of his life, bringing home the paper from the land of Sterling. Can't help reflecting on where I'd be if hadn't left BIT back in 96. The choices we make... Forks and consequences. Comparing makes it hard to keep the faith. I read in a stock trading book that everyone gets what they want, in the end. If they lose money, it's because subconsciously they didn't really want to win. Or rather, they didn't want to lose a lot of money, so they had to lose it all. What do I really want? Is my subconscious leading me down the wrong path? Rhetorical questions. It's all about happiness, and who's to say who's happier?

One thing I've learnt in my current job - never confuse effort with results. The boss likes to use this to deny people their bonus. No one cares how hard you tried if you've got nothing to show for it. You have to stay focused on results, not preparation or dreams or anything else. No one deserves it, but someone's gonna feel the gold and the others get their heads flown. Why shouldn't it be you? Think of your idols, who are they? They too dreamt about their day. You have to keep making positive steps and avoid being lightweight. That's what keepin it real, really means.

My uncle wants to bring his family of 6 to Australia. He's coming in under the business immigration plan, which requires him to turnover a minimum of $200k a year and employ at least 3 aussies. So he plans to open a bakery or takeaway joint and take me under his wing. Not sure that's what I want, but it's not always about what I want. Besides, a family business isn't too different from climbing the ladder. If anything, you've got more motivation to put your back into it. Who knows? Maybe what he wants is what I want, and I just don't know it yet.

It amuses me that I actually want to work harder. But it's true. Soldiering under a stick is boring. Put a bigger carrot in front of me and I will perform. It's all about respect. Respect for yourself, the work and your boss. Currently, I can't think of any good reason why the other two deserve it. Luckily there's lots of potential developments on the horizon. And I'm in good company, so I feel safe, no matter the outcomes. In the meantime, I'm staying focused on my goals, and looking forward to good things.