Sorry I havent written anything for awhile! I havent been able to log
many hours online for the past few weeks since my cousin's PC blew up
and my social network here in Malaysia has expanded exponentially.

After 6-7 years of daily work and home access to the interweb, it's
taken some adjusting to get used to life offline. I'm sorry I havent
been able to individually reply all your emails. I have enjoyed
reading them however, so keep them coming!

I've got some amazing and funny stories to share with you, some of
which are not suitable for mass consumption ahaha. Let's see how many
I can type out before my brain implodes from the earbashing its
currently getting. Malaysian internet cafes are disturbingly loud
chambers of horror, with booming subwoofers blasting out the latest in
distracting violent video game sound effects and canto techno pop.

My trip down to Singapore was a blast. Thanks to Mike for putting me
up in 5 star resort accomodation and spinning some awesome hiphop! I
attended the premiere of my friend's film "Bubblegum, BJs and Bartop
Dancing" - an amusing mockumentary about the recent legalisation of
bartop dancing in Singapore (they now have their very own Coyote Ugly
bar complete with pole-dancing). The film argued that perhaps it's
also time for the Singapore Govt to revise other anachronistic laws
such as those outlawing the sale of bubblegum and oral sex, for which
you can still get a jail term! But to be fair to Singapore, there's an
ungodly amount of beautiful women there, I've had a great time on both
trips, and am continually impressed with how well-planned, green, and
pleasant the place is. As William Gibson once said -"It's like
Disneyland with the death penalty."

Back in KL, I've made some great friends who are not only fantastic
clubbing buddies but extraordinarily connected and entrepreneurial.
It's been quite inspirational hanging out with them. I've been helping
them out with the launch of their sleepwear label as well as planning
a huge rave party around the F1 Grand Prix in Shanghai... Yes, I've
started to make contacts in Shanghai before even arriving there!

I've been busy the past few days attending meetings, writing copy for
press releases, promotional flyers and sponsorship proposals. I've
also been doing some bizdev and marketing consulting for a skincare
company that sells whitening products. It's been quite a ride.

Naturally, I've also been fervently watching the Olympics and
barracking for both the Aussies and the Chinese into the early hours
of the morning. The Olympic coverage in Malaysia is nothing short of
fantastic - 6x channels covering different sports 24 hours a day. I've
been captivated by the taekwondo and fencing... and I never knew ping
pong and badminton could be so darn sexy. Roughly half the Olympic
coverage in Singapore was dedicated to these two sports. I watched
Singapore's best medal chance, Ronald Susilo, being defeated in the
Badminton Quarterfinals, live on a double-decker bus on my way home to
Holland V from Orchard Rd... if only we had live TV on the public
transport back in Oz eh?

Other local novelties I've taken a shine to, include: ying yong (half
coffee, half tea), boiled coke with ginger (surprisingly medicinal),
late night mee goreng and teh o ais, $4 movie tickets (Aust. cinemas
are a rort), Channel V Asia VJs, red bean ice potong and mango sago
loh (fresh mango puree with crushed ice and sago), bizarre drinking
games (asian's have no concept of "just drinking"), the expletive "Ji
Bai" (ok this is a bit juvenile but I find it amusing that people here
like to yell "vag*ina" in place of "fcuk"), samurai jack & spongebob
square pants (not local but I've been watching alot of TV with my
little cousins) and last but not least, crawling home at 5am and
sleeping under a ceiling fan until 1pm everyday... ah, am I making you
envious???

Anyway I'm flying out of KL tomorrow night and will arrive in Shanghai
8am Monday morning (10am Sydney time). That's when the real adventure
begins! I'm looking forward to the challenge of finding accomodation,
learning the language and settling into a city that boasts the same
population as Australia and Malaysia.

I'm in Kuala Lumpur now, the capital of Malaysia. I'm having a great time here. The tropical weather is a pleasant change from the coldstreets of Sydney. The daytimes are so hot and humid, I've been catching up on lost sleep, after a month of farewell parties, reading up on Shanghai and teaching myself mandarin from a book, going to gym and doing a bit of shopping. Its national sales season at the moment, so all the stores are 50% off.

But Malaysia really comes alive at dusk, when the air cools and everyone comes out to eat. The food here is incredibly cheap and delicious. I'm averaging about 5 meals a day, stuffing myself on the local delicacies, like satay, roti canai, otak otak, loh bak and bakkut teh, before hitting the bars and clubs. There are outdoor foodcourts everywhere and lots of Indian mamak stalls that are open 24 hours, so its easy to find a crowd having supper at 2-3am, even on aMonday! It's one of the things I like best about Asia... the cities never sleep.

I've also been playing a lot of late night snooker and9-ball pool. Snooker is really popular in Malaysia – boys start hanging out in snooker halls from the age of 14, so I've only been able to win one game against the locals so far! But I'm learning some new tricks and improving rapidly with each thrashing!

I have to say the number and size of the clubs here in KL just amazes me, considering the population here is less than Australia's, yet they seem to have twice as many clubs than Sydney and each club is packed out every night of the week. So far I've checked out Bar Med, Rush, Thai Club and Beach Club, which was an interesting mix of gays, drunk gwai-lohs, and prostitutes of indeterminable south east asian heritage.

Bar Med, the first club I visited, contained 3-levels of Hard Rock/Club Med inspired decor, including a giant runway with pool ladders on all sides, so patrons could climb up and shake their booty in front of the entire bar. Of course, as soon as I pointed out to my companions that we don't have anything like this in Australia, I was dragged up onto the bartop and forced to dance in front of the entire bar... and it wasn't even midnight yet! I'm sure we looked like country hicks in the big smoke for the first time, but I took comfort in my anonymity and made the most of the occasion...

Another thing that I've noticed is there is always a huge bottle of Chivas or Johnny Black on the table, as the cover charge system here encourages groups to buy a bottle of spirits and get in for free, or pay $40-60 ringgit per person (includes one standard drink). Alcohol here costs more than Australia, because the Government taxes it to discourage the Muslim Malays from drinking. Last night we joined a group who were drinking from a super-sized 5litre bottle of Chivas (it cost around $600 aussie), which came mounted in a special, tilting bottle glorifier to make the pouring easier. Ice and mixers are provided for free, and if you cant finish the bottle on the night, they put your name on it, mark the spirit level and put it in a cabinet for your next visit. The racks of half-finished Chivas bottles in each club is a sight to behold, sometimes taking up an entire wall! I've never seen anything like it before.

I love how the DJ's here mash up all musical genres, and the enthusiastic crowds just eat it up! You may go to a club known for good R&B or electro, when all of a sudden, a commercial radio song like Numb by Lincoln Park will come on, everyone starts pogoing and shouting, and even the bartenders will be up on the bar, headbanging and air guitaring in a KL rendition of Coyote Ugly! Beach Club likes to end the night on a super-fast version of the Malaysian Anthem... very amusing.

I've been learning to get around town in my grandfather's beaten-up Proton (Malaysia's national car maker), using a walkie-talkie to keep in touch with my friends, as they weave in and out of traffic, narrowly avoiding scooters and trucks. Driving in Malaysia is an exhilarating but hair-raising experience. Road-rules are generally ignored unless the police are around. Any comment I make about seatbelts, red lights, speed limits and drink driving, are all swept away with the same excuse of "Don't worry, lah! This is Malaysia!" Drivers here don't indicate, they just drift in and out of lanes. I've experienced some terrifying high-speed lane merges with only inches between the cars. That being said, it's a lot of fun driving in all this anarchy.You quickly learn to develop an intuition for traffic patterns and just "go with the flow." And in my case, I actually feel safer behind the wheel, than riding shotgun with my kamikaze KL friends.

I may be heading down to Singapore this weekend for the opening night party of my friend's movie (a provocative documentary on blowjobs of all things! Oral sex being still illegal in Singapore. Anyway I'll write more when I get back!

Gong Hei Fat Choy... its Chinese New Year's Eve. Good luck to all you monkeys out there...

1977
The Snake is the sign of wisdom. A sign rich in charm and wisdom. You are romantic and deep-thinking. You are an intense personality and gravitate toward physical beauty. An air of mystery surrounds you. You are shrewd in business and are often financially successful. You have a deep sense of morality and a strong sense of destiny. Your intuition guides you strongly. But keep your sense of humor about life. You are a good decision-maker but you can be hot-tempered.

Love
You tend to be very selective as to who you settle down with as you are a sensual person with deep passion.

Color
Red, a color associated with good fortune and happiness.

Ideal Partner
The Rooster or Ox.

Chinese Proverb
A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows public opinion.

Suffering
Suffering arises from attachment to desires
Suffering can be overcome when attachment to desires ceases

The human tendency is to avoid the difficult truths of life and this in turn leads to suffering.
The root of suffering can be defined as a craving or clinging to the wrong things; searching for stability in a suffering world is the wrong way.

Karma
Actions have consequences; so our lives are conditioned by our past actions.

On Love
Too many people are trying to meet the right person instead of trying to be the right person.

from So So

"Insanely Happy"
15th January 2004
2.50am

I sat in a courtroom last night where the defendant was a friend and he was being judged.

His crime: following your heart.

Defendant: "..if anything, her innocence is a plus…”

Prosecutor: “I don’t believe that a long distance relationship with a 16 year old will work. Let me ask you a few questions my friend, everybody just shut up while I ask these questions…what do you define as love? What is love? Do you love her or are you in love?….There are plenty of girls in Sydney who could do it for you.”

Defendant: “I know that, but I don't feel anything for them”

I cannot remember what he said further in response but I do remember he used the words “insanely happy” and “pure and simple”.

Defendant: “All I know is that I am insanely happy when I am with her. I was attracted to her from the moment we met… But I am trying to limit my expectations. There are so many obstacles... distance, time, culture. Its a long shot... But how romantic would it be if it all works out?”

It was a futile conversation - an exchange of views that may also be perceived as a match between two arrogant minds. The prosecutor is adamant that his opinions are valid and universal. The defendant can see where he is coming from but refuses to be deterred by such views that he once held as well. He sees reflections of himself in the prosecutor who is taking this opportunity to release the bitterness, frustration and pain of losing the love of his life. The prosector is yet to learn, mature and move on from his bad taste of the world. On the other hand, it may be beneficial for the defendant to realise that what he is doing is self-indulgent and potentially obstructive.

This is not a question of right or wrong and whether the defendant has committed a crime for either deduction has its justifications attached to it regardless of how twisted or superficial, impractical and unrealistic.
This is more a question of why? The deed has been done but why did he do it? And the defendant answers plainly and directly “I am insanely happy when I am with her”.

He is “insanely happy”…

There was so much that I wanted to contribute to that conversation but could not find the energy or appropriate level of emotional temperament to expound my thoughts, especially with enough passion so that they may prevail over the defendant’s. My weak narcotic-induced physical state disabled me from enabling the necessary connections between my heart, my mind and my voice, which is why I now sit here typing away at 3am in the morning.

This is what I wanted to say..

“Insanely happy” – seeking refuge – seeking sense amongst what does not and then attempting to make sense through one another.
The use of the word “insanely” suggests emotions of transitory manner and degree. It is an extreme feeling that cannot be sustained. Insanity cannot be lived. It is not a lifestyle. It is a state of mind and states of mind are not stagnant.
To be insane is to be mentally disordered whereby one is not of sound mind and is mentally unbalanced. A person who is insane does not make sense.

When one is happy, feelings of pleasure, delight and contentment combine to create a powerful substance whereby wanting more of it also generates the production of the malicious emotional matter known as disappointment.

As a juror, the defendant appears to have taken all material and practical aspects of this romance into account, especially in relation to the future. Will pure and simple happiness hold significance when the insane happiness retires from its role – when it has reached the end of its function and all that it is defined to do?

Do you move on or salvage what remains? The latter being a desperate endeavour to prolong the insane happiness - to fuck with fate and assume the fate-maker’s role – where you are no longer the actor but the director of the film - to falsely convince yourself that extremities of emotions can be retained for an infinite period of time when in reality, it is exposing yourself to potential damage. It is fundamentally unhealthy and greedy.

The defendant: It is pure and simple.

His idea of love is that it is unspoiled, clear and free from contamination - something close to his subjective understanding of perfection (for perfection is overrated and often unattainable).

Somehow the defendant has transposed this purity and simpleness to her youth, naivety and innocence. He won’t let go because her appearance into his life has inspired him again. The enthusiasm to seek and experience that euphoric state of mind known as love has been activated.

She represents happiness but she is not happiness itself. She is just a girl. She does not know what she wants and she has yet to see and experience. She is yet to discover and learn for herself. She is yet to grow. She does not know what happiness means so how can she know what love is?

Self-discovery is a vital human process. To be the Prince who comes riding on a white horse to save her from the burning tower is to obstruct her ability to seek clarity and truth for herself.

Sometimes I see myself as a free baby bird that flies back to her mother in the nest where she was born, raised and protected. What my mother has built for me in that nest is irreplaceable. When I fly back to the nest, it is because I know that my mother has built a strong one for me so that I may know what true strength and love for another means. To go back to the nest is to acknowledge my mother’s efforts and substantiate my appreciation and respect.

Once, I was offered the prospect of a bigger and better nest. All I had to do was fly away from the one I was living in already. .. fly far far away….away from everything that meant anything…
So tempting and self-indulgent. That guarantee of warmth and comfort and freedom from the confines of what was already built for me at home.
Being completely consumed by the freshness, the overwhelming sense of pleasure, the warmth and the security, it was easy to forget how to be realistic.

Fortunately, the one who offered me the haven of happiness realised in time. He let me go and withdrew from our dream and it was within that moment that insane happiness became insanity.

What I thought made sense revealed to be senseless. What I believed was pure and simple exposed a harsh reality that I blinded myself to, be it deliberately or subconsciously – it still represents a refusal to acknowledge the transparency of the situation.

The truth was always there – it can never be eradicated – it may be denied and ignored but it will never go away.

Instead of salvaging, he preserved. He cut our losses short. Instead of taking the risk, he chose to protect. Instead of sticking more pins in, he threw the pins away.

What we had was pure and simple and he left it at that. He did not want a struggle to survive.
It was my youth and my naivety that made me fail to realise that in the end, what I interpreted to be an act of cruelty, selfishness and inconsideration was actually altruistic.

Why did he break up with me? If he loved me, why did he leave me?
I loved him. He loved me.

One year later…

Because he loved me.

My memory of him is only of beautiful things … walking in the rain, conversations in bed, the silence of having nothing to say as he held me – how that silence would be discomforting amongst other company.

I imagine what life would be like now if we had pursued that relationship beyond our practical limits. Our lives would be reduced to agonising over the future…constant longing, insecurities, he may be a long distance phone call away but he is far away … as I am far away to him.

Instead of preserving long distance phone calls and late night ICQ dialogues, he chose to preserve our warm embraces, our eye contact, our smiles – elements of the real relationship that we had. We couldn’t prolong it so he bottled it before the insane happiness was due to expire.

At first, I did not understand – why let go of a good thing? Now I understand - it is because it was a good thing. The moment I stepped into the departure gates of the airport was where the good thing could either be retained in its beautiful form as a memory and an experience or it could continue and become a struggle that I would deny and mentally strain myself over throughout the flight and afterwards. The latter inhibiting my capacity to grow and mature for myself as the only me in the Universe.

Therefore, love can be pure and simple. But in order for it to last requires a strength that is sown, slowly grown, nurtured and harvested when ripe. Strength cannot be given to us and it cannot be requested. Pure strength comes from within – an intricate combination of mental and emotional ingredients unique to each individual. Love is created when two strengths combine to create a powerful substance – the substance is balanced, light and stable – a composition that is damn good for those who use the ingredients with care but toxic to those who do not.

I wouldn’t mind meeting my compatible strength.

Like pain, love is powerful. Two strengths may also combine to create pain, which is usually not realised until the pain is felt. The manner and degree of pain or love does not matter. It is still pain and it is still love. Big win, small win – still a win. Big loss or small loss – still a loss.

You create your own adventures with all its dragons and treasures…

Have just finished packing the last of my stuff into boxes. I've hired a truck to move it all to my new apartment tomorrow.

I suddenly realise, tonight is my last night in the family home. It's quietly depressing emptying out one's room. Taking down those pictures, removing all the personal clutter, so carefully layered over time. Discovering lost objects amongst the dust bunnies, letters and presents from friends, assorted hair thingies left behind by ex-girlfriends, receipts for year's of purchases... It's either in the bin or a box now. I've given my space back to the void ... it will no longer be an extension of me.

Tomorrow, this room will be empty, and I will be living on my own.

One half of me shouts hurrah! The other half wipes a tear away.

Today, I am the proud owner of a new home.

On top of that, I had yet another amazing weekend.

At 15, Annabelle was one of those rare beauties who can make every man's head turn - regardless of age or physical fitness. She was one of the few who could send pulses racing in young and old and cause old men to groan with regret simply by walking down the street. She quickly noticed the silence that followed her appearance in a cafe or a classroom, but it would be years before she completely understood it. At the CEG in Crecy-en-Brie, it was common knowledge that she and Michel were 'together', but even if they had not been, no boy would have dared try it on with her. The terrible predicament of a beautiful girl is that only an experienced womaniser, someone cynical and without scruple, feels that he is up to the challenge. More often than not, she will lose her virginity to some filthy lowlife in what can prove to be the first step in an irrevocable decline.

So it's been more than a year since G left... a symbolic milestone that now seems so inconsequential. Somehow it doesn't really feel like the fresh start I expected. But like the stock market, my fortunes have bottomed and are now trending up. I am carrying less baggage than I was at the beginning of the year... all that bitterness and anguish... seems so melodramatic now. Yet it changed my life. I am not the same person I was a year ago. Somewhat cynical and hardened. Less trusting. But at the same time, stronger, more mature, more caring.

September 5th, 2003 was quite special. On a crowded dancefloor, at the last RnB night ever at Dendy, I told Cherie that I'm surprised I'm still here. The rest of the night was not PG rated, and was in many ways a bit scandalous... I believe those who were there remember it much more vividly than I. The DJ's played all my favourite songs that night, including Return of the Mack, In Da Club, Too Close, and U Remind Me... haha, it's all coming back to me now...

Two weeks ago I got to run some focus groups into the cosmetics industry. I've always wanted to get into the strategic area of marketing... gaining consumer insights doesnt really fall under my current job role, but I volunteered for the out of hours experience... which involved lots of creative exercises to get groups of girls talking about cosmetics, concepts of beauty and motivations behind make-up... it was all very... educational. Highlights of the evening included beauty being defined as happiness, an inner glow. I like that... no guy would have said that.

In other news, I bought a little 1 bedroom apartment in Surry Hills, opposite Prince Alfred Park (the one with the swimming pool next to Central station). Yes, I am now officially a real-estate mogul / wage-slave! I will be moving out in mid-November and declaring independence. The whole property purchase has been quite surreal. I haven't really thought about it much, but in the space of a few weeks I will be a S.I.N.K.

Living with my parents has never been so good, but the decision to move out is motivated by the $7,000 first home buyers grant, and my infamous appearance in the July 15th edition of The Bulletin magazine - front cover feature article "Kids Who Won't Leave Home". Check out page 28, where an insouciant Nereis is glibly quoted as saying "You don't really worry about money. It just seems to accumulate no matter how much fun you have on the weekend." I've since become known around work as "the accumulator." At Friday night drinks, one of the office girls said to me "You realise you sound like an absolute wanker in that article?!"

Yes I do. Thank you, The Bulletin. But the funny thing about wankers is that they're proud of it.

I'm excited about doing the place up and learning to survive as a bachelor. In preparation, I've developed an unhealthy interest in DIY home improvement and cooking shows. However, part of me feels like I'm surrendering my youth. I got a taste of the domestic drudgery awaiting me over the past two weeks, as both parental units were oseas in Malaysia & Singapore. Coming home late after work to an empty house was depressing! With no one to talk to, I found myself doing a lot of cleaning and reading the newspaper in front of the TV, when usually, I do neither.

Rather more exciting, are my holiday plans! I'm taking a month off work to party with my friends in Malaysia, Hongkong and China over Xmas and New Year... I really should be saving towards my new mortgage, but a big oseas trip is the last new year's resolution that I haven't fulfilled yet. EN inspired me to write a list of personal goals at the beginning of the year... I'm secretly proud that I've now accomplished all of them. I've been really active, making new friends and trying a lot of new things like rock climbing, archery, dance class & tennis. At the same time, I've grown closer to my family, having really good conversations with my mum and dad, taking them out for cafe breakfast after a big night out... and I finished an evening marketing course at UTS - graduated with distinction average! So whilst this past year has been hard for me, in many ways, I think I've grown and become a better person for it.

D says any prospective girlfriend who read my blog would run in the opposite direction, so I shouldn't write so much about feeling blue and missing G. I told D she may be right and I should take this site down, so as to preserve the full potential of my beautiful future.

But when I actually logged in tonight, the urge to purge evaporated. I am feeling possessive over my words, my past. Honesty and a love for pretty phrases are enough to stay the executioner's axe. So what if I have moments of depression and desperation? Is that not natural? Does it make me a bad catch? A risky bet? A struggling company that no one wants to invest in?

D also said my blog has been less personal since I became conscious of my readership. It is true, I am torn between spilling my guts in the raw, and the diluting factor of those many eyes, to which I present many faces. From all walks of life, you gather here to peer into my soul. Yet I proudly wear my heart on my sleeve, and blurt out late-night passages of sadness and regret... I wield these sharp and honest words against an uncaring world, and I can only hope the actors of my beautiful future will look past these dangerous confessions to the passionate soul within... waiting for the right look, the right moment, to take tangible shape on centre stage...

Writing is bound up with solitude and introspection. I write when my heart and mind are tied in knots. When I am happy, I am consumed by the moment, and surrounded by friends, I live in the beauty of a laugh, that simple effervescent feeling, so removed from the heaviness of the literary world where everything is inscribed, as if in stone. No, blogging does not cross my mind when I can sense the wonderful things ahead of me. It's only when I'm alone at home, struggling with inner demons that I turn to the net to share my woes. By casting my dark thoughts out into the world, I feel more understood, and less burdened by sorrow. I cry on your virtual shoulder!

But please understand, I am not pining away in the hope of reconciliation or revenge. I am waiting for you, the star of my future, to come light up my life.