"Insanely Happy"
15th January 2004
2.50am

I sat in a courtroom last night where the defendant was a friend and he was being judged.

His crime: following your heart.

Defendant: "..if anything, her innocence is a plus…”

Prosecutor: “I don’t believe that a long distance relationship with a 16 year old will work. Let me ask you a few questions my friend, everybody just shut up while I ask these questions…what do you define as love? What is love? Do you love her or are you in love?….There are plenty of girls in Sydney who could do it for you.”

Defendant: “I know that, but I don't feel anything for them”

I cannot remember what he said further in response but I do remember he used the words “insanely happy” and “pure and simple”.

Defendant: “All I know is that I am insanely happy when I am with her. I was attracted to her from the moment we met… But I am trying to limit my expectations. There are so many obstacles... distance, time, culture. Its a long shot... But how romantic would it be if it all works out?”

It was a futile conversation - an exchange of views that may also be perceived as a match between two arrogant minds. The prosecutor is adamant that his opinions are valid and universal. The defendant can see where he is coming from but refuses to be deterred by such views that he once held as well. He sees reflections of himself in the prosecutor who is taking this opportunity to release the bitterness, frustration and pain of losing the love of his life. The prosector is yet to learn, mature and move on from his bad taste of the world. On the other hand, it may be beneficial for the defendant to realise that what he is doing is self-indulgent and potentially obstructive.

This is not a question of right or wrong and whether the defendant has committed a crime for either deduction has its justifications attached to it regardless of how twisted or superficial, impractical and unrealistic.
This is more a question of why? The deed has been done but why did he do it? And the defendant answers plainly and directly “I am insanely happy when I am with her”.

He is “insanely happy”…

There was so much that I wanted to contribute to that conversation but could not find the energy or appropriate level of emotional temperament to expound my thoughts, especially with enough passion so that they may prevail over the defendant’s. My weak narcotic-induced physical state disabled me from enabling the necessary connections between my heart, my mind and my voice, which is why I now sit here typing away at 3am in the morning.

This is what I wanted to say..

“Insanely happy” – seeking refuge – seeking sense amongst what does not and then attempting to make sense through one another.
The use of the word “insanely” suggests emotions of transitory manner and degree. It is an extreme feeling that cannot be sustained. Insanity cannot be lived. It is not a lifestyle. It is a state of mind and states of mind are not stagnant.
To be insane is to be mentally disordered whereby one is not of sound mind and is mentally unbalanced. A person who is insane does not make sense.

When one is happy, feelings of pleasure, delight and contentment combine to create a powerful substance whereby wanting more of it also generates the production of the malicious emotional matter known as disappointment.

As a juror, the defendant appears to have taken all material and practical aspects of this romance into account, especially in relation to the future. Will pure and simple happiness hold significance when the insane happiness retires from its role – when it has reached the end of its function and all that it is defined to do?

Do you move on or salvage what remains? The latter being a desperate endeavour to prolong the insane happiness - to fuck with fate and assume the fate-maker’s role – where you are no longer the actor but the director of the film - to falsely convince yourself that extremities of emotions can be retained for an infinite period of time when in reality, it is exposing yourself to potential damage. It is fundamentally unhealthy and greedy.

The defendant: It is pure and simple.

His idea of love is that it is unspoiled, clear and free from contamination - something close to his subjective understanding of perfection (for perfection is overrated and often unattainable).

Somehow the defendant has transposed this purity and simpleness to her youth, naivety and innocence. He won’t let go because her appearance into his life has inspired him again. The enthusiasm to seek and experience that euphoric state of mind known as love has been activated.

She represents happiness but she is not happiness itself. She is just a girl. She does not know what she wants and she has yet to see and experience. She is yet to discover and learn for herself. She is yet to grow. She does not know what happiness means so how can she know what love is?

Self-discovery is a vital human process. To be the Prince who comes riding on a white horse to save her from the burning tower is to obstruct her ability to seek clarity and truth for herself.

Sometimes I see myself as a free baby bird that flies back to her mother in the nest where she was born, raised and protected. What my mother has built for me in that nest is irreplaceable. When I fly back to the nest, it is because I know that my mother has built a strong one for me so that I may know what true strength and love for another means. To go back to the nest is to acknowledge my mother’s efforts and substantiate my appreciation and respect.

Once, I was offered the prospect of a bigger and better nest. All I had to do was fly away from the one I was living in already. .. fly far far away….away from everything that meant anything…
So tempting and self-indulgent. That guarantee of warmth and comfort and freedom from the confines of what was already built for me at home.
Being completely consumed by the freshness, the overwhelming sense of pleasure, the warmth and the security, it was easy to forget how to be realistic.

Fortunately, the one who offered me the haven of happiness realised in time. He let me go and withdrew from our dream and it was within that moment that insane happiness became insanity.

What I thought made sense revealed to be senseless. What I believed was pure and simple exposed a harsh reality that I blinded myself to, be it deliberately or subconsciously – it still represents a refusal to acknowledge the transparency of the situation.

The truth was always there – it can never be eradicated – it may be denied and ignored but it will never go away.

Instead of salvaging, he preserved. He cut our losses short. Instead of taking the risk, he chose to protect. Instead of sticking more pins in, he threw the pins away.

What we had was pure and simple and he left it at that. He did not want a struggle to survive.
It was my youth and my naivety that made me fail to realise that in the end, what I interpreted to be an act of cruelty, selfishness and inconsideration was actually altruistic.

Why did he break up with me? If he loved me, why did he leave me?
I loved him. He loved me.

One year later…

Because he loved me.

My memory of him is only of beautiful things … walking in the rain, conversations in bed, the silence of having nothing to say as he held me – how that silence would be discomforting amongst other company.

I imagine what life would be like now if we had pursued that relationship beyond our practical limits. Our lives would be reduced to agonising over the future…constant longing, insecurities, he may be a long distance phone call away but he is far away … as I am far away to him.

Instead of preserving long distance phone calls and late night ICQ dialogues, he chose to preserve our warm embraces, our eye contact, our smiles – elements of the real relationship that we had. We couldn’t prolong it so he bottled it before the insane happiness was due to expire.

At first, I did not understand – why let go of a good thing? Now I understand - it is because it was a good thing. The moment I stepped into the departure gates of the airport was where the good thing could either be retained in its beautiful form as a memory and an experience or it could continue and become a struggle that I would deny and mentally strain myself over throughout the flight and afterwards. The latter inhibiting my capacity to grow and mature for myself as the only me in the Universe.

Therefore, love can be pure and simple. But in order for it to last requires a strength that is sown, slowly grown, nurtured and harvested when ripe. Strength cannot be given to us and it cannot be requested. Pure strength comes from within – an intricate combination of mental and emotional ingredients unique to each individual. Love is created when two strengths combine to create a powerful substance – the substance is balanced, light and stable – a composition that is damn good for those who use the ingredients with care but toxic to those who do not.

I wouldn’t mind meeting my compatible strength.

Like pain, love is powerful. Two strengths may also combine to create pain, which is usually not realised until the pain is felt. The manner and degree of pain or love does not matter. It is still pain and it is still love. Big win, small win – still a win. Big loss or small loss – still a loss.

You create your own adventures with all its dragons and treasures…