What a messed up night. I ran into G, for the first time in 4 months. And we talked, and fought, and cried, in the middle of a loud, crowded bar.

Talking to her after such a long time was like talking to a ghost. I told her, "It's very difficult for me to talk to you. It's been 4 months since I last saw you, and when I last saw you, you turned your back on me. It was like you had died, and I was left behind. Now that I see you again, I'm not sure you're the same person anymore."

You remind me of a girl, that I, once knew...

It's hard for me to give continuity to the G of today and the G that I knew. To do so would be to violate the integrity of our relationship. I want to preserve the memory of her as my loving, caring soulmate... not the stranger I see before me today, defending a boyfriend for whom I have no respect, and indeed for whom I bear great animosity. I am not a violent or macho person, but when I see him, my blood boils and I feel like killing him. "You should stand up for yourself," my friends say, "It's not good to let him get to you like that." But I restrain myself from violence, as it is not my way, and I do not wish to alienate those who are close to both of us, although part of me wonders why anyone would want to remain friends with someone as untrue as that.

I cannot believe some of the things she said tonight, although I can understand that when two people start a relationship based on deception and betrayal, they find ways to justify it to themselves, and they do not delve too deeply into the morality or consequences of their actions.

"It's not about you," she said, "he was friends with them before you."

Yes, and I was your lover before he got involved, and you were mine. How could you not understand?

Somehow, that asshole thinks he can have the best of both worlds, and refuses to give me face. Some professor of asian studies he will make! The way I see it, he turned his back on his friends. He disregarded their advice, and risked ruining friendships out of selfishness. Even now, he feels no remorse, and has the gall to say that it is not his responsibility to consider my feelings. His presence makes myself and others feel uncomfortable. It seems obvious to me, that when you hurt someone, especially a friend, they will not want to see you anymore, and rubbing it in their face, only causes them more grief and anger.

I console myself by saying that a man who lives so callously, must one day reap the pain and hurt that he has wrought unto others. What goes around, comes around...

Nevertheless, I love her still. I have repressed and denied these feelings to myself, but in my dreams, they make me happy.

It disturbs me that this bitterness has consumed me. There have been nights when I could not sleep, and days when I wished I was dead. Yet after being so cold and defensive, she cried tonight, and I hugged her, and let her go. I would do anything to bring her back. I loved her so much... it makes me so sad that it ends this way.

And to top it all off, tomorrow morning Danger leaves for the UK. Travel well my friend. I will miss your company and support.