On Wednesday, March 27, 2002, I wrote "Happiness is having the right level of expectation."

I think that is my problem today. My expectations are out of line with reality. I am in a place where my friends and family cannot help me. Only I can help myself. But no matter how much I dream and rationalise, it makes no difference to the way I feel. I can puncture the sadness with moments of light and companionship, but at the end of the day my heart is just not in it. I can maintain a happy facade for days, a week even, but inevitably someone will catch me with my guard down and raise that same old question - "What's wrong?"

It's all wrong. So wrong. My picture of the world has been shrunk down to a tiny dot. I have become a single-issue blogger. I am beginning to bore myself and others. I have become a drag.

I am not an idiot. I know I am stuck at the airport because I have too much baggage. I have to lighten up before I can fly again. But I can't disguise the way I feel. Feelings are meant to be felt. And sometimes only the passage of time can take them away.

Perhaps the truth is I don't want to lower my expectations. I preferred blissful ignorance to this scarred reality. I had a faith in people that gave me much joy, that was central to my belief system. I guess I was an idealist, and an optimist. I loved my friends because I held them in such high esteem. Even now, I am reluctant to lower my expectations of them.

Some say that true strength is not needing others to be happy, but I disagree. True strength is found in collective love and respect. Relationships create strength and happiness that is greater than the sum of the parts. A man who relies only on himself is a selfish son of a bitch who is likely to stab you in the back exactly because he doesn't need you.