How are you? How's the new job? Where's your lovely girlfriend? Xmas and New Years. Too many faces I haven't seen in too long. Too many questions. Yes I'm still alive. Just trying to stay positive, focusing on what I have, rather than what I don't have. I try to stay busy to keep the dark thoughts at bay. But I'm getting tired of running from my past, from a pain that chases me night and day, like Frodo and his ring wraiths.

The darkness closes in. I absolutely wasted today. Weekends are invaluable, not to be frittered away, staying at home, waiting... waiting... Didn't do anything of note except finish my book, Nabakov's "Invitation to a Beheading". As the title suggests, not exactly the sort of reading material that offers much comfort or cheer. Cincinnatus spends the entire book waiting to be executed. How fitting. The much-anticipated date failed to materialise. If the "3 strikes and you're out!" rule was applied, this game would be over.

I woke up from a dream with an idea for a film. A boy walks into a cafe and waits. He orders a milkshake and wonders if this milkshake is his fate. As the minutes tick by, he knows each sip takes him further away from her. If she doesn't call before he reaches the bottom of the glass, he will walk. But deep down inside, he is scared of walking. He wants her to call. Lots of voiceover. The final shot is of an empty glass on the table. He walks.

Impermanence is bugging me. I was with meiu for 3 years. And now what am I to her, but a trickle of mp3s in her email, and a phonecall on her birthday? And what of my best friends from school and uni? They're all overseas or interstate now... Our friendship has been reduced to postcards.

Who needs forever? Everything has its time and place... and all good things come to an end... but I desire continuity... love... loyalty... things that matter. Please stay and linger! If nothing lasts forever, why do we trust and love and sacrifice? You will not be there for me. You will be forgotten. I will die. The oceans will swallow all, the planet will return to dust and supernova. One has no choice but to be an existentialist, and live only for what one has now, in the moment. Why promise yourself away? Why devote yourself to an ideal, an illusion of security? If you are not a fool already, you will be made a fool.

I no longer believe in fate, or destiny or God. I believe in creation, in the great becoming and being of the universe. When I die, I shall disperse and return to the gaseous state from which I came. My atoms shall go on to form new objects. But my presence in the space-time continuum shall not be denied. I existed. I was. This is what happened. The complexity is beautiful. I am impermanent, but all existence is perpetual.

The story of creation is no singular, linear story. It is adaptation on adaptation. There is no single string of fate, but billions upon billions of tiny intersecting ripples that we create from a multitude of individual decisions. Yours interrupt mine, and vice versa. No one can say to me, this was meant to happen. No one can rightfully say, I'll love you forever.

I have a friend who is beautiful, kind, warm and amusing. I sense she wants to be more than friends. But I'm not sure I'm ready for the thrill and flutter of romance. Distrust, anger, bitterness... it's holding me back. The thought written down becomes less oppressive. But some thoughts are like a tumour. You express it, you excise it, and it grows back worse than before. I've been told I should fuck around until I find my feet. But I'm not sure if that would be healing, or harmful. This kind of emotional cancer is dangerous. I need a girl who can shatter the numbness and restore my faith. I want my sense of wonder back. I want to feel inspired again.

I look at my friends today. Big props to ML, YP, TN, JT, NP, JJ n Miso. You guys were there for me and I treasure you for it... even if you won't be there forever. One love. You are music to my ears. You are the return of the Mack.