A friend of mine told me recently that he didn't know why he existed. What he was put on earth for... I asked him if he was happy. He replied "I am not unhappy." Then he asked me if I was happy. "Happier than most." I said. He looked surprised - "How do you know you're happier than most?" "Can't you tell?" I replied.

There's a Native American saying: "Everything on Earth has a purpose." That satisfies me... it makes sense at a vague cosmic level. Without a purpose, things cease to exist. Our eye blots them out of existence. But my friend is more demanding, he wants to know "What purpose exactly?"

In my lunchbreak today, I happened to put my hand over my eyes and for a moment, everything made sense. The deep tingling warmth of the sunlight on my skin was reason enough for being. I sat there for long time, feeling perfectly content in an otherwise unremarkable day. And I thought of all the other suns out there, each of them billions of light years apart, casting their precious energy into countless galaxys of dead and barren planets. Why do they exist? Why do any of us exist? The fact is, our sun exists, and it is warm. Be like the sun.

It's 1am and I'm listening to one of my favourite songs - Gil Scott-Heron's "Everyday." I must've heard this song 100s of times, but this time I'm actually listening - and thinking "wow! - it's not just me!" The lyrics just seem to echo my thoughts lately, about losing one's ideals and passion for life because of everyday drudgery... And it's true, after awhile, you begin to think you were wrong, because everyone else seems happy to play the game... I guess it's like Gil says - even when we can't make sense of it, the world keeps on turning. You can't stand still, or stop participating in life. You just have to make the most of what you've got.

"I can't seem to find the words to say... I don't have sense to play the games you need to play. Everyday I seem to be running from the truth. I ask myself questions but it just ain't no use. It seems no matter what I try to do, I'm still loving and living, lying and losing everyday. I've got a job and to say the least, it don't mean a thing. It don't begin to compare with the hate and pain that I've seen. Sometimes I know I can't tell wrong from right, I don't seem to know day from night, it's no small wonder that the whole world's uptight."

"It seems that more and more I start to realise - that the truth that I wanted, the love that I needed, has somehow disappeared before my eyes. Everyday you got me running from the truth, and no matter what I try to do, it somehow seems no use. I'm still loving and living, lying and losing, god it's so confusing, loving and living, lying and losing, everyday."

My weekend...

Huan Tzin came around on Saturday and we played hotseat Civ for a few hours instead of going to see Lantana. Went out for Japanese dinner in Neutral Bay with my Dad and his friends. Then came home and played more hotseat Civ til early in the morning.

Sunday started off nicely with a picnic in a local park. I made friends with a $400 cocker spaniel with weepy eyes, then headed to Paddington to check out this 2-bedroom apartment my Dad is interested in... Then drove over to my sister's place but she wasn't there - she was up at the Newtown Neighbourhood Centre cooking food for the homeless. She does Food Not Bombs every Saturday and Sunday night. So we walked up and helped her serve soup and bread for an hour or so, then came home and cooked spaghetti... took me hours to wash the stinking dishes because of the damn tomato paste... but it gave me time to reflect, something I now do only once a fortnight, according to the frequency of entries in this blog.

Missing G already... and hating work more and more by the day. Maybe it's because I'm usually on holiday this time of year and for the first time ever, I'm not! Plus I think work is making me a bitter and twisted individual. I felt like such a phoney helping the homeless tonight, dressed in my $90 shirt and campers. It made me realise how fixated on money I've become lately. I can't seem to motivate myself any other way... Forcing myself to do things I don't enjoy has made me so ambivalent about everything! So all night I've been fantasising about quitting my job and going overseas to teach English or start my own business helping other people get rich. Not that I've figured out how to get rich myself yet, but I'm working on it.

Michael sent me a note from London, he's now reading Narcissus and Goldmund and having the same thoughts I wrote below... I guess that book has that effect on people.

Anyway... now chilling out to "Thousands Now Living Will Never Die" and hoping the next five days will be less painful than usual. I've made a resolution to start reflecting more on weeknights... and try to think of a more satisfying way of earning my freedom.